the day i walked away, i swore that i wont look back. but.... i just dont listen, do i? i'm supposed to move on but to tell the truth, i havent. how do i let go off a on-again-off-again 3 years relationship? i really dont know how. every once in a while, i would wonder how you are doing. but you wanted all or nothing. i cant give you all and you forced me to take nothing. i know i'm the one who started it all.. and that i'm also the one who ended it. after 3 months, i still think about us. i did meet a new guy but i am too afraid to commit. he's almost like you.. wanting me to commit, to make promises but never really let me know what am i to him. and cowardly me escaped. cause i just cant stand another you in my life.life has been boring. so i'm really really looking forward to buying my new babies so i can have something concrete to do. haha currently, i'm just passing my time playing games in Facebook (farmtown, my zoo, restaurant city, etc) and Maplestory. looking forward to start school but i know myself enough to know that when school starts, i'm going to look forward to holidays. HAHA
J.D. Robb's latest title is out in paperback! cant wait to get my hands on it. and there's this new book from Nora Roberts: Bed of Roses that's coming out in oct~ happy~~~ in the past, people called me a bookworm. i'm still a bookworm but please add the title "book collector" to my name as well~ hahaha seriously bought a lot of books in this year. now i dont have space in my bookshelf to accomodate the books. boos
there's been a lot of happy things going on in my life! guinea pigs, books, and now i get to DECORATE MY ROOM~ cause my dad wanted to change the lights for our house so he decided to REPAINT the whole house!!! and my brother and i get to choose what colors we want for our rooms!!! happiness~~~ ahahhaa i'm so making use of this golden opportunity to revamp my room. i cant decide what color i want for my room. is light green good or pale orange? i'm so excited! will post a picture of my new lamp when it arrives!!! XD
and after this post, i've realised even without you, i still can be happy. =) i hope you're happy as well and that one day we can be friends again. i love you
i've been thinking.. what would i do if i ever find out that my days were numbered? to tell the truth, i dont know.. cause the thought never crossed my mind. dont ask me why it crossed my mind now cause perhaps my answer would be i have no idea.
you see, if anyone were to ask me whether i have live my life to the fullest, i would say no. there are lots of things which i wanted to do but i gave up halfway. the reason was that i lost interest. but i know the real reason was cause i'm afraid of failing. i absolutely hate the feeling. it made me feel useless. now you'll most probably tell me, it's ok to fail but trust me. for my pride, it's definitely NOT ok.
i've been living the life of a recluse, occasionally showing my face to the world only when necessary. eccentric? maybe but then again, i dont have much of a social life anyway. now you'll ask, dont you have any friends? i have friends. but i just dont feel like going out sometimes.
i admit i've been feeling sorry for myself and i kind of hate myself for what i've become. i hate myself for wanting to feel important all the time. i hate myself for always living in the past. i wanted more than ever to move on but weak little me still prefers decieving myself. i dislike the cowardly me. and i dislike the current me. i used to be open and trusting. alas, i'm living in the past again. i really should stop doing that.
if you're wondering did something happen to make me think this way, the answer is no. i'm just doing some reflection here. i know i can be a nuisance. i am loud when i actually just want some peace and quiet. i'm contradictive. and i'm sure as hell a difficult person to live with. i laugh to cover my insecurities. i move around to cover my nervousness (is there even such a word?? *rolls eyes*) but my most prominent flaw is i flee/hide to avoid rejection. i simply refuse to leave my comfort zone. i want to be loved but i didnt want to put in the effort. i've made tons of mistake these past few years that i regret.. ALOT. but i cant change that. so i've got to move on, and look back in regret.
i wanted more than ever.. to know how people view me. what kind of a person do they think i am. how they really feel about me. cause when i look into the mirror, i see a selfish, coarse and untruthful girl staring back at me.
i'm playing maple now and am blogging cos i need to replenish my hp.. lol have been playing for a couple of hours and screaming away in frustration cos i couldnt kill a bastard.. GAHHHHH
anyways..... a little update. .. hmmmmmmm met darling cindy on thurs to buy some presents. had a great time catching up with her. =3 ohhh and i bought loads of books again. HAH
met ben on fri nite for dinner. talked abt a certain someone. LOL
ytd went pasir ris park with ben and van AGAIN. hahahaha were chatting the nite away.. and played Don't Forget The Lyrics. =.= sms-ed certain someone during the nite too.. hahahaha and last nite was full of screams. =.= van screamed REALLY loud at the sight of a CAT. like wat the hell... LOL den while at mac, van AND ben SCREAMED at the sight of a BUG... =.= win liao lo. den push the table towards me somemore. van still got face to say is cos she need to gain momentum to move back. thks ar.... LOL
certain someone oso screamed last nite.. cos of a bunch of cockroaches flying out from the toilet.. HAHAHAHA so yea... the nite's really full of screams~
ps. dun bother asking who is certain someone. i'm not telling~ =p
