you see, if anyone were to ask me whether i have live my life to the fullest, i would say no. there are lots of things which i wanted to do but i gave up halfway. the reason was that i lost interest. but i know the real reason was cause i'm afraid of failing. i absolutely hate the feeling. it made me feel useless. now you'll most probably tell me, it's ok to fail but trust me. for my pride, it's definitely NOT ok.
i've been living the life of a recluse, occasionally showing my face to the world only when necessary. eccentric? maybe but then again, i dont have much of a social life anyway. now you'll ask, dont you have any friends? i have friends. but i just dont feel like going out sometimes.
i admit i've been feeling sorry for myself and i kind of hate myself for what i've become. i hate myself for wanting to feel important all the time. i hate myself for always living in the past. i wanted more than ever to move on but weak little me still prefers decieving myself. i dislike the cowardly me. and i dislike the current me. i used to be open and trusting. alas, i'm living in the past again. i really should stop doing that.
if you're wondering did something happen to make me think this way, the answer is no. i'm just doing some reflection here. i know i can be a nuisance. i am loud when i actually just want some peace and quiet. i'm contradictive. and i'm sure as hell a difficult person to live with. i laugh to cover my insecurities. i move around to cover my nervousness (is there even such a word?? *rolls eyes*) but my most prominent flaw is i flee/hide to avoid rejection. i simply refuse to leave my comfort zone. i want to be loved but i didnt want to put in the effort. i've made tons of mistake these past few years that i regret.. ALOT. but i cant change that. so i've got to move on, and look back in regret.
i wanted more than ever.. to know how people view me. what kind of a person do they think i am. how they really feel about me. cause when i look into the mirror, i see a selfish, coarse and untruthful girl staring back at me.
